• Thu, 18 Jun 1998

From: "Susan Atwater, M.D." <atwater@pangloss.ucsf.EDU>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 06:29:45 -1000

I told my husband about my journal, after being initially tempted to keep it a secret from him. I figured that things would be a lot worse if I kept it secret and he found out anyhow, than if I just told him up front. At first he seemed skeptical, and it took him forever to get around to actually reading some of it. When he did, he seemed nonplussed -- he found it amusing, but didn't have any strong reactions.

He doesn't read it regularly, though. I'm tempted to think that this means he's just not much interested in *me*. It's probably that he's very busy and absorbed in his own concerns. Still... hrrrmph.

I'm curious. How many of you have told your spouse/significant-other/whoever about your journal? How many haven't? How did it work out?

See also: Who reads your journal?

From: Renee <kat@intrstar.net>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 06:34:24 -1000

Mine knows and the only thing he doesn't want spread out for everyone to read is our "private life". It's brought on a few little arguments about me wanting to write something and him having a fit about it. It's his life too so I have to compromise on it.

Other than that he doesn't mind even if he doesn't understand why.

From: Vindictu@aol.com
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 06:58:03 -1000

My husband knows the URL of the journal. He, however, respects me enough to know that I use it mainly for venting things that are in my head, and would like to think that if there was anything seriously miffing me about him that I'd talk to him about it. Most of the time, Dave's just mentioned in passing, though, which he also knows....since sometimes I read him my entries or tell him to check some of them out. (He gave me very positive feedback about some of them, in fact...especially my take on the construction outside our apartment in March. :>)

Generally, I don't want people I know reading my journal. I have a very sarcastic manner that sounds joking in person, but somehow doesn't always transfer very well to the text medium. I had one friend who literally flipped when I called him "Hiking Boy" in my journal to avoid breaching his privacy by using his name, and it was that event that made me beesech my friends and relation -not- to read it.

I've only had that broken once. When Bob, a boyfriend of mine, read it at his wife's urging. After I explained myself and what I meant by a few comments here and there, I told him that the journal probably wouldn't be the place I'd want him to exercise his reading skills, and he hasn't been back. So I suppose it's a 50/50 sort of thing.

From: bluejack <mail@bluejack.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 07:01:20 -1000

>Mine knows and the only thing he doesn't want spread out for everyone to
>read is our "private life". It's brought on a few little arguments about me
>wanting to write something and him having a fit about it. It's his life too
>so I have to compromise on it.

My wife is the same way. I actually kept it to myself for many months, but decided that it was not right to do so. So I wiped out all the old, started from scratch with her knowledge. She is almost totally indifferent to it, and doesn't read it. It is very important to her that she not be in it, however, as she is a very private person, so despite the fact that she doesn't read it, it limits the range of my expression. And I also feel like I should tone down my expressions of lust for other women also, just in case she should decide to start reading it.

It's not the same. Is it not as good? I don't know. It's different. I focus on different things, and that may be for the best anyway.

From: "Susan Atwater, M.D." <atwater@pangloss.ucsf.EDU>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 07:18:30 -1000

> doesn't read it. It is very important to her that she not
> be in it, however, as she is a very private person, so
> despite the fact that she doesn't read it, it limits
> the range of my expression.

Yeah... I do mention my husband, but I don't get too personal. At the same time, I don't want to leave too much out. Last night, we had a fight. I could keep from mentioning anything at all, or say something briefly in passing. I'll probably do the latter. It's a fine line.

> And I also feel like I should
> tone down my expressions of lust for other women also,
> just in case she should decide to start reading it.

I do this too -- tone it down, but not leave it out entirely.

From: Gillian Skywalker <gillianskywalker@hotmail.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 08:24:14 -1000

> Yeah... I do mention my husband, but I don't get too personal.
> At the same time, I don't want to leave too much out.

I think this may be why I have yet to tell my SO about my journal. I guess I just don't like the idea that he might find some problem with it, or with his being mentioned. I also can't say I much care for the idea of *having* to tone down what I write. I would probably do it if he were to ask me to, but I'd end up regretting it. This might sound a bit nuts, but when I write, I just- write. It is so much easier not to have to stop midsentance and wonder if saying what I'm saying is going to bother someone. It's not that I don't care about my SO's feelings, because I do, and there are some things I don't mention just because I don't want to... but I don't like the idea of having to censor myself because he's reading it. I don't know if it'd come to that if he knew about my journal. So, for now I'm being somewhat cowardly and not telling him about it, though still kind of considering it.

From: Debra Schorn <deb@io.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 09:15:23 -1000

at first my husband didn't know about it, then i told him but haven't given him the URL and he has completely repected my privacy. and i write WAY too much personal stuff to feel comfortable with him reading it.

but sometimes i wish he could read it, so i've been considering making a "mirror" site where i only post the entries where i don't bitch about him too much. i could even give that URL to my mom!

has anyone else tried maintaining two slightly different versions of your journal?

From: Ryan Kawailani Ozawa <ozawa@hawaii.edu>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 09:23:09 -1000

> I'm curious. How many of you have told your
> spouse/significant-other/whoever about your journal? How many
> haven't? How did it work out?

My then-girlfriend, now wife, knew about it from day one. And though I try to 'tone down' the really personal stuff, sometimes I'll say more than she'd rather.

But since she _and_ I have been long-time fans of online journals, she also has a wonderful appreciation for the 'art' of the whole thing. She knows that its honesty, occassional hypocricy, and embarassing inconsistency is essential to its purpose (if not appeal). And as any reader knows, between the two of us, _I'm_ definitely the one that comes off looking like an idiot most of the time.

Indeed, people I know in real life make up a large percentage of my readers (and notify-list members). Some love being mentioned, some merely tolerate it, but all (so far) can't help but be addicted to it.

From: scott liles <scott_to_trot@email.msn.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 09:50:56 -1000

My sig other catches up on my entries about once a week. I guess I'm lucky in that she doesn't mind what I write, except for "that one entry" a while ago -- and even then she really liked it, even if she was slightly embarassed at first. If I write how things aren't going well between us, then we talk about them when she reads the entry.

I don't believe I could hide anything I write from her. It wouldn't be fair to her that I'm telling some of my deepest feelings to everyone but her. I understand why people don't tell their spouses but I would feel guilty if I did it to her.

From: Michael Brown <mikeb@paradise.net.nz>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 10:42:11 -1000

I've just started an online journal. My wife has an occasional one she puts stuff up to.

She doesn't like me to read her stuff before it goes online, but once it's there she wants me to read it.

From the start Deb has read everything I've done in my journal, and some of the layout is a joint collabaration between us - I know what I want to do and she tells me how!

I think I'm still developing a style of writing and a "reason" for writing, but definitely one is so that Deb can get to know me better. I've hidden too much from her in the past to want to try and hide this journal.

I guess juornals take on many forms and are written for many reasons, so people are going to have different attitudes to partners reading them, but it's interesting that to date most people have their partners read them. I think if you're open enough to put a journal online, you're probably open enough to want your partner to read it.

From: Angela <agv5998@garnet.acns.fsu.edu>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 15:20:15 -1000

Well, my partner does not yet know about the diary, although I suppose that eventually I will tell her. I'm pretty compulsively secretive and I feel like she won't really approve of putting stuff out there "for the world to see." But eventually I will tell her and I don't really think I would mind her reading anything I've written--whether or not its about her. I just think she won't like the *idea* of it being on-line.

Oh who am I kidding, I'm just a big chicken is all.

From: Tracing <alethea@ounce.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 16:05:57 -1000

My partner has always known about the journal. Aside from the fact that I spend so much time on it that I couldn't possibly hide it from him, I just didn't feel comfortable not telling him.

However, as far as I know, he doesn't read it. It could be for a number of reasons: 1) he doesn't like the web (yes it's true, there are people out there who don't) and he especially doesn't like doing large volumes of reading off the web 2) he doesn't think I want him to, doesn't think he's supposed to, doesn't think he should 3) he's not interested

It presents a problem in that he doesn't really understand what this whole online journaling thing is about, although lately we've talked about it more and I think perhaps he's beginning, if not to get, then accept that I get a lot out of doing it.

But as I read other people's messages on this topic, I realized that I'm *glad* he doesn't read it. I prefer being able to give him a personalized and in person version of my life. I'd rather *talk* to him than have him read my journal that is directed at the world in general. And have him talk back.

So my realization of the day is that I'm really really glad he doesn't read my journal. And actually, that's basically why I don't want anyone I first knew "in person" to read the journal.

From: Becke Boyer <bboyer@columbus.rr.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 03:16:59 -1000

Hubby reads my journal. He found it by looking over my shoulder and mentally remembering the URL. He knows I'm not comfortable with him reading it, but he does so anyway with the knowledge that I'm not going to censor myself for his benefit. As for his reaction, mostly bored unless I'm talking about him for some reason. His reading my journal prompted a massive change in his attitude towards me, for the better.

From: jamesf@efn.org
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 07:26:37 -1000

Ahh.. the magic of being single and not having to worry about spouses.. oh wait, there are always girlfriends.

I've had some strange situations with girlfriends and my journal. One was completely livid that I would even have the balls to mention her in it, and another was furious that I would not mention her enough. In fact, she would guage our previous evening together on what I would place in my journal. If I didn't mention the right thing, then she would be mad at me and not even talk to me for days.

Interestingly enough, though, I have been meeting my latest girlfriends through the net, and one of the things I mention to them when I first meet them is my journal. I'd rather have them read it first to get a sense of who I am before meeting them. Is this odd?

From: Mabs the maeri queen <brunsonm@hawaii.edu>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 07:48:13 -1000

I've told my SigOt about my journal, even told him where it was, but he keeps insisting he doesn't want to read it because I need my private space. I even showed him a couple pages, but he didn't want to read them and I didn't particularly feel like pushing them on him, so there tthey lie, unread by him.

I thought it was kinda strange because when I told him about my journal, I just kind of mentioned it in passing and he kind of sort of freaked out/overreacted to it. Then he concluded that it was okay as long as I didn't mention him in there. Wise man say very hard write journal about life, leave out the one person who always around.

As to my other friends, two or three, as well as my sister (who's kinda like my friend too, cause she's cool like that) found my journal in it's infancy stages just by poking around my homepage, but after I told them not to read it, they didn't.

But since then I've left off the link to it from my main page, and so not too many people I know find it.

It's funny...I kinda miss them reading my journal and they just knowing about things that I hadn't told them. Kinda like they were more in sync with me and could understand me better. My reaction to them was so vehement in the expression that they shouldn't read it, that lately I've been "forgetting" to remove my sig file, and kind of offhand making references to my journal in the hopes that they would read it again. Especially since we've all been busy of late and not seen very much of each other.

Has that kind of "don't read my journal!/why don't you read my journal anymore?" thing happened to anybody else or am I just strange?

From: "Susan Atwater, M.D." <atwater@pangloss.ucsf.EDU>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 08:14:52 -1000

> Wise man say very hard write journal about
> life, leave out the one person who always around.

Yup, sounds like what happened with me.

I know! Maybe my husband is hoping that if he lays low long enough and "stops" reading it, I'll eventually start assuming I can write anything I want -- then he'll start back up again unexpectedly and maybe learn some *real* dirt about me!

From: Carli Schultz <carli@organic.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 09:03:04 -1000

> Interestingly enough, though, I have been meeting my latest girlfriends
> through the net, and one of the things I mention to them when I first meet
> them is my journal. I'd rather have them read it first to get a sense of
> who I am before meeting them. Is this odd?

I actually rather it NOT be read by potential boyfriends, I don't want them thinking they can 1.) get the skinny on me and what makes me tick. 2.) think that everything in my journal is the whole of a story, as it almost rarely is the whole story. It can paint a sometimes inaccurate picture.